My love story with the youth ministry is hands-down one of the best romances in my life. Characterized by habitual heartbreaks and bouts of euphoria, aren't those the makings of a wondrous love affair? This is one of the relationships where there are three or more people involved, and your primary goals are for each other's self-betterment, and fulfillment of each other's God-given purpose.
And while we're at the topic of love stories...
My love story with the Lord in general is the best romance in my life. It's been one heck of a roller-coaster ride so far, and even though I have no idea what kind of future He has in store for me, I look forward to it with bright eyes and a clear heart. Everyone who loves Him knows of His promise to His chosen people, despite their status as exiles: "'When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:10-11) This promise still stands today. Those who have faith in His plans for their lives will truly see those plans unravel before their eyes.
While I believe that everything in our relationship has come full circle, I know for a fact that the mission goes on, like what I always tell my fellow youth leaders. I was called, chosen, blessed, broken, and shared... and while the call was already made quite some time ago, the story goes on, ever changing and ever flowing.
For a span of five years, I did my best to document my every encounter with God. I was a notorious scribbler back then, and I jotted down almost every reflection and realization that dawned on me. I'd like to think of myself as a really strange yet pretty patchwork, or a book riddled with writings in different colored inks.
I've written about my love story with the Lord numerous times now, especially if you hop back to my old blog. You'll see a lot there, mostly about how young(er) Tony interacted with God. I don't know why, but I still feel like writing about our relationship. I know, it's probably boring or tiring to read, but I always get a kick out of writing about God so much. It makes me happy, because I get to reflect about the love and goodness of one kind Father to His annoying, awkward, and adorable young daughter.
2013
January 20, 2013. I am craving for Your attention, You who is great, You who I am madly in love with. Oh, Father, I am Yours to keep.
January 27, 2013. Never ever forget to talk to the Father because He always knows the right words to tell you.
February 11, 2013. "The key is availability, not ability. Once you say yes to God's call to serve, He will honor you and use you mightily for other works." - Erwin Roceles
March 17, 2013. Leadership has never been a strength of mine. During my schooldays, I was absolutely content by just following orders and staying on the sidelines. I don't think I've changed much since I left those days; I'm still pretty much a follower and not really suited to be a leader. But to be tasked with a duty-- the kind that I think I can never handle-- it's a challenge. This is a God-given challenge, and they all tell me that our Father God won't give me something I can't handle. It's not a cross, it's not a test, it's a gift. Maybe not everyone believes in my capabilities, but if our Father God gave this task to me, that's enough proof that he believes in me. I may get nervous about the littlest things, but I think that it's a leader's normal reaction. And I don't just want to be a leader; I want to be friends... with everyone!
March 24, 2013. "Nothing shapes your life more than the commitments you choose to make. Your commitments can develop you or they can destroy you, but either way, they will define you. Tell me what you are committed to, and I'll tell you what you will be in twenty years. We become whatever we are committed to." - Rick Warren
April 3, 2013. For days I've been keeping things to myself. What goes on in my head, no one knows. But that's what I thought, though. I forgot that the Father knows everything. To be completely honest, there was a time that I've thought of giving up on everything. It was pretty foolish and pointless, though. I never really got around to start giving up on anything. You know, even though I thought I would give up everything, I didn't.
Because it wasn't what I wanted. Ever since the beginning, it had always been what I wanted. It was never supposed to be that way.
I asked the Father different questions, like why does it have to be me? Why did it have to be like this? Why am I suffering? Why? Why? Why? Whenever things didn't go my way, my only question would be Why, Father?
I seem to have forgotten that it wasn't my will that lead me to the church, it was His, and how I adore His will for me. Everything that has happened to me: all of it was His will. And I completely adore His will. I've gone so far to falling in love with the church not because I work for it, but because I belong to it. How many times have I said that it is such a great honor to be a part of this church?
It's not just a church. It's home.
Home.
To think that I would go so far as to giving up another shot at school for the sake of the church... Oh, believe me, I would give up anything. For Him, I would give up just about anything. I would take all of the embarrassment, the failure, the doubt... Because I know in His eyes, I am most precious. All this embarrassment is just a small blemish He can wipe away, like a father wiping away dirt from his daughter's face. But just like any rebellious daughter, I have my regular fits of disobedience. I sin so much to the point that I feel so unclean, I want to take a bath, thinking that it would cleanse me again. I know that I sin because it is what I will, and not what He wills. When I realize my errors, I can't help but run.
(Father, I can't face you. I'm so dirty, so shameless.) I run away and end up questioning myself, my choices, my struggles. It's only when I look back that I realize that it's not just my Father I've run away from. I've also run away from my home. But how dare I... How dare I feel hurt, not caring that I hurt the Father more. Such a stupid girl like I should have never been welcomed into such a beautiful life.
I know that I try to run away, but I don't think the Father wants me to. It's strange that he keeps pulling me back into His arms even though I run and run and run... Deep down inside, all I really want is to remain in His arms. And it's not just my will, but His as well. It's both our will. So I run back. I know that my Father will never deny me. He will never forsake me. He will never forget me. He will never leave me. I've run away countless of times, but I know that every time I ascend the 33 steps and set foot into the pristine-white church, I can feel it in each of my cells, to the tips of my toes, to the roots of my hairs.
I am home.
Let this be a reminder and an inspiration to you, Tony. You are a part of this community. Whatever you’re going through right now, it doesn't matter. You have something… Someone to come home to, and He will accept you even though other people don’t. His home is your home. So whenever you step into the structure, don’t ever be afraid to utter “I am home, Father”, because you are.
April 23, 2013. "This is where my heart is: to be God's instrument here. Things will happen in His due time. What matters is that I give my best, my all, for things to happen. [...] I know where my heart is, it is with Jesus Christ, who gave his all for the poor, the sick, the orphan... I feel as if I'm beginning to understand more when I say, 'I want to be like Christ. I will follow Jesus. I'm Jesus' friend and companion. I am a Jesuit. I know where my heart is.'" -Richie Fernando
April 30, 2013. Dear Father, I will be turning 20 tomorrow. I pray that you bless me with wisdom that will guide me in times of distress or confusion, a patient and understanding mind and a loving and prayerful heart. Teach me to turn to you in times of trouble and struggle, arm me with your guidance at all times and bless me with strength to withstand the everyday trials I may face. I pray that you keep me by your side all the time, safe from all harm. I also pray for my health, but I know that I have a loving family and very good friends to do that for me. (Hehe.) Most importantly, I pray earnestly that you continue to use me for your glory. I pray that you keep me in your service for a very, very, very long time. Thank you for the past 19 years. It has been a splendid life! Surely there's a new adventure waiting for me, now that I'm not a teenager anymore.
May 25, 2013. I'm having trouble making friends with people the same age as me. I need help with this since I'm in a ministry where I need to relate to people-- the young people, and the way I relate to them is, well, not really that great. My Lord Father, I need help with this, but maybe some of my friends can as well.
June 25, 2013. "Seek your happiness in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desire." (Psalm 37:4)
Today is the celebration of the 30th Anniversary of the Diocese of Antipolo! My mother told me to weigh my heart, listen to what it's telling me... So I did! Beautiful cathedral, I will see you in a while! (Yeah, skipping school never felt this good. Totally worth it, though!) Enjoy your youth. You'll never be younger than you are at this very moment. Our Lord Father has imparted in me something irreplaceable. People ask me often, “Why did you choose to serve the Lord?” I just answer them, “Oh, but He was the one who chose me to serve Him!” It's true; He never promised me a bed of roses to begin with, but one thing He assured me is that I have a home and a big, big family with Him. And this beautiful church is my home.
July 9, 2013. "In my deepest wound I saw your Glory, and it astounded me." - St. Augustine
July 28, 2013. I've been meaning to blog since last week... July 17, to be exact. That was a Wednesday and we had Psychology classes at that time. And guess what the topic was about. Consciousness. Lucid Dreaming was discussed.
Lucid...
Earlier that afternoon, I read on Facebook that one of our local priests was rushed to the hospital. The priest was dear Father Ben, a supposed-to-be retired priest from Manila but is now serving at our parish. My mother and I have a soft spot for him, mainly because of his dedication to the church despite his old age. I believe that he's around 70-85 years old, and he's spent 50+ years in service. I told my mother about it and we immediately rushed to where he was confined.
Mom bought fruits and juice, but we found out late that Father Ben had a digestive system problem. When we saw his state, we were too moved; deeply moved. His caretakers told us that despite his state, he was still eagerly waiting for a text from the parish, and he would rush there to celebrate mass, even with all the IVs strapped on him.
My mother joked that if Father Ben was fine, she would do confession with him. Though she was joking at that time, Father Ben obliged. Mother confessed then and there, while I was left outside, thinking...
Hearing his simple story of dedication to the church made me re-evaluate my own dedication.
Throughout the 15 minutes I waited outside, these were the only thoughts I had in my mind...
My service at church is not a fashion show. I don't walk in that church to impress people. I wear that uniform as a sign of my complete and total surrender to the plans that my Lord Father has for me. I do not read the Word to be recognized... I read it for my Lord Father to be recognized. Should I ever receive any recognition for reading the Word, I should reply humbly, for it is not me that should shine, it should always be my Lord Father.
Something came out of this blurry mess.
As my mother and I walked back to our car, she said something... "You know what, Father Ben still understood my confession. He was still lucid. His answers to me were still very lucid."
Lucid...
Perhaps that word didn't only mean being able to think clearly. Maybe it also meant, for me, being able to understand things that I can't.
Right now, there are things that I still don't understand. I pray for answers, but I also keep this in mind:
"Prayer is not asking. Prayer is putting oneself in the hands of God, at His disposition, and listening to His voice in the depth of our hearts." - Mother Teresa
August 10, 2013. "He who wants anything other than Christ does not know what he wants" - Saint Philip Neri
September 6, 2013. [Red is the feeling you get when someone you like touches your hand. Blue is when you're standing outside, rain pouring all over, and you get a little frostbite. Green is the feeling of stepping out of the shower and putting on newly-washed clothes. Yellow is the heat of the sun on a really hot summer day.]
Sometimes, you are given answers to questions you can't even ask yourself. For how many days I've concerned myself with questions I can't ask anyone else. Thoughts are heavy; there's a strange weight pulling you down and you can't even see it, but you can feel it. Just this evening I tried to run away from something, thinking that I could answer all these questions on my own... But to think that I found answers to my questions there, and comfort in the midst of my personal struggles. I just heard my Lord Father welcome me home. You can't run away from the Lord's love.
October 5, 2013. It's one of those days when I feel like I'm drowning in life; All I can do is float and drift away. These tides are overwhelming and they're gonna sweep me away, but I know for sure that my Savior can walk on water.
November 24, 2013. “I cry easily, and I guess when you are before a great mystery that you know is beyond you, a calling, a grace, a mission, then, you know, you tremble, but at the same time, you're happy.” - Cardinal Chito Tagle during the Catholic Social Media Summit in 2013
Because for me, no words can express the feeling of being embraced by my most loving Lord Father.
November 28, 2013. We had a Eucharistic celebration at school earlier and I was one of the readers. After the mass, our Theology professor thanked us... then asked if I could read again for an institutional mass. That was a really pleasant invitation because I found it as a constant reminder that I have to live out the word I share. For me, it's not just about sharing the word of God and letting people hear it... It's also about sharing His love by being His arm on earth.
November 29, 2013. I've been out for church-related activities for two consecutive weeks now. Tomorrow, I'll be leaving home once again with my fellow youth for the 15th Diocesan Youth Day preparatory session. I have to admit, it's a bit tiring being out every weekend... But I know that these are calls from Him that I can't possibly refuse. Like what I said before, wherever He leads me, I will follow! And, well, even if I don't go, I know He'll find a way to keep me preoccupied with something... Yes, church-related. I'm not complaining, though.
December 1, 2013. Just woke up from a really long afternoon nap. The Pre-DYD was a blast! It was certainly a test of commitment and endurance... And for me, a test of leadership. I learned a thing or two about leading a group. Throughout the event, I kept in mind the Great Commissioning, and how Jesus instructed His disciples to bring nothing but themselves and to remember that the Holy Spirit was with them on their journey. Right now, I still keep in mind that the disciples' mission is no different from mine (and everyone else in the event). Like them, we were instructed to “Go and make disciples of all nations!” And that, we shall do!
2014
March 9, 2014. Today's Gospel speaks to me on a personal level. Temptation is earthly. No temptation comes from God, but all of it comes from the evil one... But even if he tempts you, he doesn't force you to do it. Rather, it is still your choice whether or not you'll respond. God made us different from all the other living creatures, because we have an understanding of what is right and wrong. So the next time I commit a mistake which I clearly know will have some sort of repercussion in the future, it clearly isn't the devil's fault, but my own.
March 14, 2014. "Because always, even in the darkest moments, in moments of sin, in moments of weakness, in moments of failure, I have seen Jesus, and I trusted Him... He has not left me alone." - Pope Francis
April 28, 2014. I've made a lot of friends at church. I've seen the church of stone come to life little by little. The church of stone became my home, and it became everyone else's home, and we were a family. I can never count how many days I spent in the stone church. I can never count the memories I made with the people at church... And I can never count all the lessons I learned. I don't think we're parting, because we still share the same mission: to be churches that grow in love, with love, by love... To be servants of God, to be the living bread and water for those who are lost in the deserts of loneliness... To be arms who will hold others who are afraid or hesitant to return to the Father's embrace... And to do His will at all times, whatever the cost might be, even if it means parting ways. But we aren't really parting ways. We are right here, and you are right there. - Message to St. Joseph the Worker friends
April 30, 2014. "The devil fears hearts on fire with love of God" - St. Catherine of Siena
August 13, 2014. At the age of 18, I expected my life to be completely in order. I told myself that once I graduate, I'll get a nice, enjoyable and well-paying job so that I can treat my parents to coffee. I'm now 21, on my second college course, jobless, but blessed. And though there are moments that I pity myself because of the unlikely circumstance I got myself into, I realized three things.
One, you have a choice. I could've chosen to disobey my parents and get a job once I graduated, but then again, I probably wouldn't be writing this if I ever did that.
Two, sometimes the choice you make is not for you, it's not what's planned for you.
Three, God has a choice as well, and even His foolish choice will always be better than my wisest decision. (It's strange, having to choose God when I had nothing else to choose from. Though strange it may be, He should always be the first choice.)
At the age of 18, I was lost and confused. I had no idea where to stand and stay. My idea of a perfect life after 18 started crumbling to the ground. But there was something. I had another option... When I turned 18, I chose God. Like what I said, I could've chosen to not actually listen to my parents and grab a job somewhere... But I knew for a fact that that wasn't where I was supposed to be.
Then... Then I realize that I really shouldn't pity myself. I am where God wants me to be, and wherever He will lead me, I will follow.
I too have my own struggles, internal struggles with my inner demons. They delude me, whispering and saying that I am not a chosen one, and that things of this world are more precious than the word of God. I tried not to listen, but the more I tried, the louder the whispers got. They were telling me that God made a mistake in choosing me, and there will be better ones to replace me. I was about to believe it them, but I remembered that my God makes no mistakes.
You see, when God chooses you, there's the illusion of a choice. You can say yes, or you can say no. If I hadn't chosen Him that day I turned 18, He'd still choose me, no matter what. The choice to choose Him will appear again and again, and the illusion of a choice will be there as well. Why am I calling it an illusion? Because even though it appears that you're making a choice, to say yes or no, what you say doesn't matter because all that matters is God's choice.
A lot of people have told me that I am destined for something, something for God, and it frightens me. Then I remember... No matter what happens, He will never leave me. If He wishes for me to be scarred on my way, I know that it won't be without healing. I will bare the scars, for those aren't just any scars, but badges of valor.
I know that He's keeping me close by for a reason. I may not know why yet, but I'm sure that He will unfold it before me Himself. This is my ministry. I don't know what it's called, but primarily, it's spreading God's love wherever I go.
September 27, 2014. "And when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus' example-- to slip away and find a quiet place to pray. It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak." -Take a Moment for God
October 1, 2014. "There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you only do it when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results." - Kenneth Blanchard
"I have found my calling: my call is love. I have found my place in the Church. In the heart of the Church, my mother, I will be love." - St. Therese of Lisieux
October 18, 2014. My weekend is not complete without church activities. And ever since I got involved in church, I can't remember how I spent my weekends before. Was I really content with sleeping in every Saturday, waste time in the Internet the entire day without a care in the world? It was a drastic change.
I can still remember the first Lectors Practicum I ever attended. The church of stone was still incomplete, so we conducted our meetings in the place where our columbarium stands. They all looked at me with shining smiles and called me that one name that remains until today: Bunso. I was the youngest server (to-be) at that time, and that name stuck with me until today. I was Bunso, baby girl and living doll for them, and all I could do was smile back at them.
Church activities make up half of who I am today, and what gave me the "I'd rather be at church" stigma. School parties are no good for me. I don't fit in anyways, so what's the point in staying in a place where no one even knows you exist, right? Dex thought that it was pretty destructive of me not to attend the previous Acquaintance Party. Where have I been and what did I do? Where else would I be?
At church, duh.
My classmates said that I missed a whole lot of fun... While I was having fun at church. School party? What? Sorry, I'd rather be at church.
October 23, 2014. How does one become a saint without becoming a priest? This is something I've been pondering on for a really long time. I always thought that if I try my best to bring heaven here on earth, I could be a saint, at least here on earth.
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If the Lord says that you're chosen, will you be chosen for the rest of your life?
When Moses died, he wasn't even allowed to set foot on the place he longed so much to reach... So I thought that being His chosen one was rather a scary task. And yet I was constantly told to carry His will wherever I go. He's reminded me that I'm not "too young" or "too weak" to do it. What I want to do with my life is to follow the will of the Lord. Wherever He leads me, I will surely follow. Wherever He needs to take me, He will clear my path for me.
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When life gives you a mission, you gotta choose the right sword
Life goals. Life goals.
Ah, darn it.
I always thought that my life would go exactly the way I wanted it to. I seriously wanted to disobey my parents and get a job, going against their wanting me to study again. There was this pressure. I wanted to be able to give everything back to them. To repay them for the years of nurturing. What happened was they extended my teenhood and will keep me here for another two and a half years.
I've been asked countless times what my dream is. One day, I was asked again, and my answer wasn't like before. Before, I'd wanted to be a novelist, a journalist-- I was satisfied with writing. Of course I'd still want these to come true, but there's something that weighs more in the balance.
I HAVE a concrete dream-- a dream that I want so hard to come true that it haunts me even in my sleep. It's big, and there's no guarantee that things will be easy for me, but I just KNOW that I have to make it come true.
I want to build a Mariapolis.
A Mariapolis here in my very own hometown.
Where did that come from, Tony? What happened to your dreams of being a world-renowned author? What happened to your dream of conquering the world of media? It's still here, but this tiny flame in my heart that came from the hearth, the Focolare... It grew larger and larger, 'til it consumed everything else.
I was deeply inspired by the Focolare Movement's foundress, Chiara Lubich. I've also contemplated on her book, Mary, The Transparency of God. When I told my mother that I wanted to be like her, she simply smiled and said, "You have your Chiara Lubich, I have my Mother Teresa!"
I first stepped into a Mariapolis a few months before my 20th birthday. To think that such a place existed, where love for neighbor and love for God are the two primary sources of its energy, was beyond my belief, and I was absolutely charmed and taken and carried away. I contemplated on the name Mariapolis for quite some time (Yes, until today). Mariapolis, the City of Mary, where love for neighbor and love for God are the fuel that keeps it running. Regardless of where you come from, if you bring love with you, you're most certainly welcome. The Focolare Movement aims for one thing, as said by her foundress, That all may be one! (John 17:21) I don't know about you, but that's exactly the kind of world I'd love to live in.
Not a lot of people know this yet, but I'm trying to learn Italian. The Focolare originated from Italy, and even if it takes me half of my life to get there, I will get there and tell them my dream. I want to think that I've matured a bit, because someone whispered that I don't just dream for myself anymore.
This dream isn't just for me. It's for the lost, the least, and the last.
(It's for the people I see on the streets, homeless, hopeless. It's for the children who carry sacks instead of school bags. It's for the hungry ones, the ones who are cold and the ones who are scared, for the forsaken and the abandoned.)
Vincent was the very first person I've told this about. One night while I was serving at mass, I prayed so earnestly to the Lord, looking up at His gentle face, I wanted Him to tell me something. He told me something, in the form of a vision. I was surrounded by different people, different faces, children and people of all ages. We shared a meal... and everyone was happy. It was something that pulled at my heart so much. Could that be my Mariapolis?
This is my life goal, this is my dream. I know now that I don't dream for myself anymore, just as how I do not live for myself anymore. As of now, I still have no idea. I have absolutely nothing but this dream, this vision. But if I continue to work under His orders, will answers reveal itself to me? Right now, I only have this. It's just a dream for now, but it's a start.
“The pen doesn't know what it must write, the brush doesn't know what it must paint, and the chisel doesn't know what it must sculpt. When God takes someone into his hands in order to raise a new work in his Church, the person chosen doesn't know what she should do. She’s just the instrument. And I think that this might be the case with me.” - Chiara Lubich, 1977
November 12. 2014. Answering God’s call indeed requires careful discernment. Answering His call would mean forming an irrevocable relationship with Him, granting that you already have one… Your relationship with Him will deepen to the point that your love for Him will consume you. Oh, the things I write when I'm inspired, and I managed to type out three pages for this reflection. Still discerning. Still reflecting. Still sabaw. Still, thank You, Lord.
December 23, 2014. During the nine days of Simbang Gabi, the reading from the second book of Samuel about King David planning to build a temple for the Lord was repeated twice. When Fr. Ador spoke about these readings, he said that though King David promised something to the Lord, the Lord responded with an even greater promise, making his kingship an eternal one.
On this night, it was once again stressed that whatever you promise to the Lord, He will respond with an even greater promise. But perhaps promises aren't very necessary. Faithfulness is the necessity.
And my promise to Him is to live with Him for the rest of my life, and likewise, He too, will live with me for as long as I live. I'm putting away these childish whims to make room for more of my mission. Let me be Your child for another year, please don't disown me just yet.
Stay with me, Father. I will stay with You.
December 25, 2014. When the infant Jesus was born, kings and emperors weren't the first ones to hear about it. No, the angels proclaimed that wonderful news to the shepherds on the mountains. The angels said that the savior was born in a manger, wrapped in cloth and bedded in hay and straw.
Why the shepherds? Fr. Ador said in his homily earlier in the evening that the shepherds were the embodiment of the people whom the Messiah would save. (He explained that shepherds were regarded very low in Jesus' time, they were social outcasts, etc.) In other words, Jesus' birth was first made known to the shepherds because He came for the lowly. He came for the lost, the least, and the last.
In the Christmas Vigil mass at the parish, Fr. Mark said in his homily that if the infant Jesus were born in a castle, the people allowed to see him would be limited, which, of course, wouldn't make any sense because He came to save the world, especially those on the last of the list.
This Christmas has made me realize something.
Jesus... He really didn't come for the good. Yes, He came for everyone, in human form, no less, and He Himself has experienced temptation and suffering... But His ministry involved so many "unworthy" people and He made them worthy to stand with Him. He came for the sinners. He came for those who were last in line. He came for those who didn't see Him and yet believed in Him, and He said that it was not Him who saved them, but their faith.
As I grow, I want to grow more like Jesus and less like myself.
Would He come for me, too? I am a sinner, after all. But I am constantly trying to do good. Always. Would He be surprised at how many people are waiting for His arrival, for His return? If He were to be born again, to whom will the star appear to? To whom would the angels first declare His arrival? Certainly not to someone like me, but I would fervently search for His star even in the morning.
Father, can't You see how we await Your return?
Father, teach me to be more like You and less like me.
2015
April 10, 2015. I am the Storyteller
It's been a year (and two months) since I was first appointed as the secretary of the Parish Pastoral Council. I admit that I'm still as nervous as I was before I was assigned to that position. The secretary is a part of the backbone of the council and most details of events are coordinated to me. Being the secretary continues to test my sense of responsibility, and, at very rare times, my patience and fortitude. I always tell my friends that my Saturdays are reserved for the church because I try my utmost best to attend all of the meetings... because I know how important it is that I have to be there.
Of course, even though I try my best, there are times when I fall short from grace. I can call it an unlucky choice of day or whatever, but people who know me so well will know that there is nothing I prioritize higher than my service at church. On days when I'm not able to attend a meeting because of an affair such as a family member's birthday, half of my heart goes to the meeting and the other goes to the party.
And there are moments when I feel like I'm unable to fulfill my tasks because of my own spirit, because let's face it: there are days when we feel so very far from the Lord. I'm at this phase where I feel like I've run away so far from God's grace, and this fear prickles my heart to no end. To be honest, it haunts me to this very day.
The Lord doesn't deserve a half-hearted servant. His kindness should be matched with an equal obedience to His will. I don't want to be a halfhearted princess in her Father's court; it's either I am His or not at all.
June 19, 2015. I'm at a point in my life where I'm asking myself that question again: "Where do I go from here?" I've asked myself a lot of times already, and with paths slowly unfolding themselves in front of me, which one do I walk? Which one should I walk? But to be honest, I'm done with that question. The answer's already revealed itself to me, and it reminded me of what I felt before I started asking that question: This life I have isn't mine anymore. When I swore my service to God, I didn't just mean my time and commitment; I meant everything.
I've stopped asking myself where I should go from here, but I began to ask, "God, where do I go from here?"
Before, I wanted to be a multitude of things, a plethora of professions, a jack of all trades. I wanted to be a star. Where do I even start? I wanted to write a book, be a journalist, be a news anchor, be a dj, be a host, and be pretty much everything that required me to hold a microphone. All of this was before I became real friends with God.
My want for wild things withered. I no longer wanted colored hair and polished nails, I no longer desired the lifestyle of the rich and glamorous, my obsession with cosplay gradually transformed into a simple hobby. That cold fire died and this new match He lit was something different.
My heart blazed and burned with love for my Father, and along with that love was the desire to help the helpless.
Then I understood what He meant when He said that my life is no longer mine: I need to be like bread. Bread that is blessed, broken, and shared for all. All I want to be right now is to be bread for the hungry. Remembering all of that reminds me once again of what I really want in life: I want to build a Mariapolis. I want to build that home for the homeless, provide bread for the hungry, clothing for the naked, comfort to the broken. I want this to come true so very badly that I feel like crying out, "Dear Lord, help me make this come to life!"
He meant what He said when He told me that my life is not mine anymore. He placed within me a dream that I can only dream of for now.
And so when I start to ask myself where I should go from here, I know where to now: Go walk and make that Mariapolis come to life, little by little.
August 25, 2015. I've lost my voice.
How long have I been telling myself that I have lost my voice? I hated to admit it, but my reading is not like before. I've lost my voice, the one I use to speak the Word of God. I've lost its sweetness and care as well. The voice I use to proclaim the goodness of the Lord no longer dwells in me, for I'm afraid that the Father took it from me. And it's only rightful that He did, because I'm a terrible, terrible child. Because my voice is gone, I'm no longer worthy to proclaim the good news...
September 6, 2015. When you acknowledge God's presence in your life, you become more conscious of what you do. You become kinder, more considerate, more compassionate, more understanding. You tend to think of ways to be kinder, and thoughts of kindness cloud your thoughts.
November 22, 2015. Dear Father,
Remember how in the parable of the prodigal son, the father welcomed his child with wide and open arms, even after that selfish son made out with every penny of his inheritance? Lately, I've seen myself in that kind of light. How many princesses have left their fathers' homes and have left the safety of their arms? I know for a fact that I'm one of them.
This year hurt me a lot, and I know for a fact that I'm not comfortable with talking about the things that hurt me to other people, and I don't think I'll ever be, but I've had it. This princess is done with running.
2016
December 27, 2016. How do you forgive someone?
It was said in the Gospel of Matthew that, "If you forgive others, the heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, neither will the Father forgive you." (Matthew 6:14-15)
I saw this quote from the Internet that, "Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realizing you were the prisoner."
It makes me wonder then, if we truly are made in the image and likeness of God, why are we not slow to anger and of great kindness? When you forgive someone, one way or another, you also forgive yourself. You forgive yourself for being a slave to anger, to sadness, to selfishness. And besides, our good Lord is merciful and forgiving, so who am I not to forgive?
Love and mercy are universal languages that don't need words to be understood. - My testimonial during the 18th Diocesan Youth Day in Mayamot, Antipolo City
Perhaps if there is one thing that remained constant throughout these five years, it's God's presence in my life. I was never let down by Him by any chance, and I hurt myself because of the expectations I set for myself. It pains me a little, seeing as how the years go by, the reflections became lesser, but wait 'til you read about World Youth Day (which is a story for another...).
What's your story?
