...goes the new The Bloomfields song. Hello from Pasig. I'm in the middle of work and about to head out in a bit, so why not write? Somehow I feel like I have so much to say, but so little time to speak. That's where writing comes in, but how can I even write when I don't even hold my own time? Here comes the feeling I never thought I'd feel again: that I'm losing my own time. My officemates laugh softly when I tell them I want to have a child. How could I, they ask, when I look like I'm barely past the legal age and have a voice as soft as a young girl's? But is this what the lack of time does to people? Are they like me? Are they confronted by the fear of losing their own time to meaningless things? I remembered tweeting back in June 3 about my godchild Zahria's new little sister, who was born on June 2, which was also my little sister's birthday. Honestly, being surrounded by children is quite refreshing, for me at least. Somehow the feeling of dread I get when it comes to children just vanished as I got older. The thought of motherhood scared me before, but what scares me now is being too late for it. I used to tell myself that I have all the time in the world to do whatever I wanted, especially when I grow up. And now that I'm in that grown-up stage, here comes the feeling that I'm losing my own time. I can't remember when I started counting down the seconds, the minutes, the hours, the days, the months, the years... when my own dreams would expire. But then again, I've always had simple dreams. Part of me feels disappointed that I was never able to give my parents a title they would be proud of, like a doctor, or a nurse, or maybe a lawyer. I've guilt-tripped myself enough to think that being a good person would be enough for them, simply because I feel like I've run out of time to pursue greater dreams.
But then again, how late is too late? My boyfriend, who took up odd jobs for most of his life to stay alive, is now pursuing his dreams of becoming a real educator (at the expense of our relationship but lol I'm fine). Is it time for new dreams to take root? Before I start dreaming again, I decided to do something good for myself and shut down everything that's been taking up so much of my time. I'm taking a break from social media to recollect myself and my thoughts as well as reconsider all of the plans I have for myself so far. It's 2019 and I realised not everything I have to do has to be broadcast for everyone to see. I also think it's a way for me to maintain the elusive pretty girl image I got going for myself. However, I will keep on writing. Heck, I might go back to my roots and work on my blog while I'm at it. But then again, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll stick to pen and paper. Maybe I'll even start drawing again. Maybe I'll get back to loving whatever I loved and made me feel alive when I was so much younger and... Happier. I don't want to think I'm depressed because I don't think that's the case at all. I'd like to think that I'm just a little lost and I'm taking a break.
With whatever little time I have left for myself, I want to do things that will actually count. Wherever you are, I hope you're doing what you love and you're spending your time in the best way possible. Love forever,
