Hello from Ortigas Extension. I'm writing even though my dad told me to keep my phone during my commutes. I can't help it, especially since there's so much I want to talk about. It's been a year since I was formally endorsed at work. I can't say I've come to love the job, but there are other aspects to it that I like a lot. First of all, I've come to like the people. It's funny because no matter how tall a wall I build, some people find their ways to circumvent the darn thing and manage their way into my life. I once got slightly drunk during one of our team's late-night hang-outs and I thought that maybe it's fine to let people in your life as long as they keep the place tidy. Could this be a sign that I'm finally recovering from my trust issues? Probably not, but I guess it's progress. This is probably an offhanded way of saying I actually like my work teammates. But who wouldn't though? It's been weeks since our gold standard boss left us for greener pastures and we've been taking it like a champ. The quiet that envelopes the place when a team member leaves doesn't last long, most likely because we all have something we want to share with the team. I've been working in the company for a year and two months now and I've come to appreciate the clamouring, the hot tea and the pervertedness that makes up and takes up most, if not the whole day of our stay in the office.
Apart from my teammates, my work batchmates, the guys I started work with about a year ago, have also become one of my favourite things at work. I love listening to their love stories because it makes me feel young again. Sometimes I quietly have to remind myself that I am a bit older than everyone else here, because I tend to forget whenever I have too much to drink. Without the alcohol though, I am their "best tita", and I shower them with all the wisdom I can muster up whenever they need guidance. I'm glad that at least for a few people, I'm actually a reliable source of advice and bits of life wisdom.
I don't consider myself much of a reliable person, after all. Heck, I have way too many long-term goals I want to achieve, but how can I do all of that when I can't even accomplish my short-term goals? You could say I'm probably being too hard on myself, but that's not the case. I know deep inside me that I have this lack of discipline and self-control, and though I may look well-put-together for a lot of people, I can't really say it. For the most part, I often feel like I'm just trying to survive each day rather than living my life. I only exist, not live, and I feel terrible because there's so much my heart wants to do, but I'm stuck.
The second thing I came to like at work is knowledge. I like the knowledge that comes with the job. For the most part, I became genuinely curious about what's happening in the world. I'm not sure what my knowledge about Australia will be good for here in the Philippines, but I'm sure as heck it'll be of some use it when I finally fly off. (Is this a spoiler alert? Lol.) The only downside I see in this gain of knowledge is my lack of knowledge for the current affairs here at home, and because of that, I'm always driven to learn about what's happening here in the Philippines, even though the news is heartbreaking most of the time.
The third thing is probably financial freedom. I only heard this term last year and it was coined by my teammates. It means being able to do the things I want with the money I worked hard on. I know for a fact that this job can't pay for my wedding bills. It sure as hell can't pay for my funeral either even though it's already killing me, but it pays for something or anything. It pays me money, and that should be enough for me for the meantime. I most certainly do like financial freedom, but let's not forget the financial responsibilities that come with it. I've started paying for insurance, so let me be a little proud of myself for future-proofing my life.
When I went to Hong Kong with my family last month, I came to realise a few things about me.
I never got my family's taste for the finer things in life. I was always perfectly content with what was given to me. That's probably why I don't care much for appearances as long as I think I look fine.
That's how I came to realise that I am perfectly at peace with my appearance now, after hating it for quite some time. It's always easy to see the outside appearance of a person. It's easy to look and think, 'Oh, she looks so well-put-together!' or 'Oh, I wish I had her confidence!' But it took me years of reconstruction to build up this confidence and be perfectly comfortable in my own skin. I don't want to think that my ego is fragile, but if there are red flags or warning signs telling my senses that someone is a threat to me or my self-appreciation and self-security, I shut them out as soon as I can.
"An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you." - Goi Nasu
I think I need to stop packing too many clothes when I go on trips or retreats. I need to stop packing eight shirts for a two-night church activity.
I have so many postponed dreams.
Somehow I feel like I'm not really as fearless as I make out myself to be. It hurts having to make a confident and sure face in front of people when I'm actually a mess on the inside. Despite all of that, though, I actually believe I'm a person who values security more than anything. That's probably the reason why I leave relationships where I don't feel safe and secure. I leave at the slightest hint of hesitation from a friend or a lover. I've always been one for safety and security, after all. I've always been careful, and maybe that's why I have so many postponed dreams -- because I'm always afraid of the uncertain.
It wasn't always like that, though. When I was much younger, I always charged into everything headfirst, be it challenges, problems or relationships -- and it was terrifying, not thinking twice and now knowing the consequences of my actions. Now that I'm older, I learned the value of thinking twice before facing something. Which is probably why I'm holding myself back too much. Once I become secure about something, I can't be shaken away from it anymore... and I don't want to live the rest of my life wondering what could've happened if I chose to leave my comfort zone. I want to spend the rest of my life talking about the leap of faith I took and where it landed me. But at the same time, I want to make sure I finish everything I have to do before I jump into the unknown.
Someday, one day (hopefully in Canada or Australia lol), I will continue those postponed dreams, and I hope you don't have to postpone any of yours.
Love Forever, Tony ♡